I live in a very slow motion journey…when all my friends and families completed half of their bucket list…I still wondered what to put in the list. Now…when they all have completed and ready to fill another bucket list…I’m still in my 1/3 list…not even half of all my list which are not so many as others…all these delays, is the cause of the wrong turns, the stumble from lots of bumpy road…the doubts and fear ..all of those made me stuck for years, even though I had to learned it in the hard way and I must say that some of it was way beyond my expectation, beyond my imagination and difinately way beyond my capability
Today I came to the point…where I realize…that this is the life that God chooses for me…never easy…have to pulled down to get up…have to bleed to survive… I always named it as “The Constellation Of Tears and Joy”…thats how I get to appreciate more of what I have until today…all I need is to stay awake and aware not to be arrogant in every aspect of life … for what others action towards me and one more thing…to stay calm in every situation like my father taught me. I will always try my best to continue to forgive, my best friend said that to be truly sincere and forgiving is the hardest theory in the world as human being. As harder as it is I am aware now that I have to be able to do those things so I can move on.
Some weirdest funny thoughts came up in time when I consider my life is like crossing a not so big river through a slippery round rock…not flat…round and narrow. Imagine how hard you try to stand still and keep your balance so you wont fall as you reach out to the other rock … well … thats the reason why I fell many times … I got bruises and cuts everywhere not to mention the cold water … sometimes I can just hop it away while singing without any obstacle and difficulties…sometime…the rock seems to move further away as I reach out to it … there is a time when I just sit and do nothing because I’m confuse and scare … and theres a time when I just don’t care and just dive in to the river … but then the river get deeper and came out of nowhere a big current appear … strange…really strange, but it happen … believe me … it can … and again I’m back to the stepping round slippery rock … sometimes it takes me back to the third or even fifth step before or even more and I have to start over again … Incredible isn’t it … and uuuhhmmm have I mention about the people on the other side of the river ? both sides ? and the birds that suddenly appear and just attack me ? or even a piranhas coming out of nowhere ? the hard wind and raining ? it does happen and it does appear … and the people across the river…. some of them giving me courage but more of them are totally ignorance and some other more … believe me or not … are throwing pebbles, woods, anything just to make me fall …some calling me names just to get me down and give up and there’s this one person who throw me a rope give me courage and build my hopes up … I make more than 10 steps ahead but then he stop holding on to the rope and just letting it go..leaving me fall so hard and almost drown and he throw back the rope and let it go again…and back again throwing the rope and letting it go again…for many times, while without any doubt I keep holding on to it tighter every time he throw the rope back… at the end I realize that I have to let go and start trying with my own best way and my own strength to continue… there’s a time…more than twice…I consider to just let myself fall and drown…but then I find myself start to toughen up my mind and my faith through it and continue my attempt to cross the river … again…!! “I just want to cross the river” !!!
Thats how I visualize my life so far through my weirdest kind of “fun” thoughts … just try to make it more enjoyable … one thing I know for sure that I will always get up and get my feet back on those slippery round rocks … and start hoping that the next step will be easier with less interruption … God will lead my way through all of this and take me to the other side of the river safely…and more stronger, wiser and humble than before.